But is this what the poem really wants? It feels like it wants to be two poems. What if you cut back on the assonance? This lacks ... tension. I mean, it’s … well ... ho-hum? Narrative? Ah—I see. And where’s the turn? The poem doesn’t start till stanza 3. Are we sure this epiphany is earned? You might want to read some John Ashbery.
NOTE: For a somewhat higher fee, you can also have me invite your enemy to interrogate the stakes of the poem. Venmo, CashApp, bitcoin, ether. Discount for cash. Personal check accepted with credit report and latest W-2 , Schedule C, or SSA-1099.
Such familiar
refrains
It pains
me to say
I've heard them
Ha! Classic lines. My favorites are "It feels like it wants to be two poems" and "The poem doesn’t start till stanza 3" (I've heard those so many times because I am pretty long-winded in my first drafts 😁).